Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
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when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.