Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”