I would guard your potatoes so hard.
You Might Also Like
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Who called it baking and not making love
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.