(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
They grow up so quick
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
🤣
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*