Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers