Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.