I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣