I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being