Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose