[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Last-minute gift idea!
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
For the ones in the back.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.