me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Oh yeah that’s it
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.