Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
sliding into dms like
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Phonetics
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon