Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Godspeed, John Glenn
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Finally!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.