Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
A French press is when you hug naked
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn