A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Canada has crack?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Social distancing in Australia:
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Employees must applaud the planets.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit