[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
A Short Story.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.