I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.