[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were