All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
The USS B port
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…