The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You Might Also Like
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no