Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]