I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Probably my best painting.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company