I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.