me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“I wouldn’t.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.