Mountain Goat : )
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God