My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I think we should hear other voices.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.