When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great