“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!