I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.