It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
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Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?