Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
#SaturdayBears
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.