With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
She was REALLY feeling it.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”