Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Lmao
I’m listening
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Natty or not?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
$4 #usedbooks
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.