CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
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12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
sensitive skin
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.