Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
He-man has a Masters degree
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?