How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof