ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
wish me luck lads
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.