I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I cannot stop laughing at this
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”