Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Krampus.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor