I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”