“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water