My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
You Might Also Like
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.