I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.