At an art museum and I thought this was art
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
i actually laughed 😩
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
This week’s mood.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands