the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players