I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Just parrot things
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair