Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
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Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Finally
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
podcasts
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.