“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.