Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I have so many questions.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!