when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
#parenting
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.